So, this week’s column is about the fatwa-like death threat against David Letterman for sayi—waaait a minute! What the hell is that!? Right there to the left? Is that my picture!?

Holy Kee-rist, what an abomination! It looks like the Harmony.com profile of a bovine-semen collector who inappropriately enjoys his job too much. And what is that extra fold of skin just beneath my left eyebrow? Is that eyelid fat!? Kee-rist in Heaven, where did that come from?

There are so many reasons why I can’t stand having my picture above my column, some of which have nothing to do with the fact that I am ugly and old. Here are the top five:

• No More Identity-Denying: Every now and then, a stranger will approach and ask, “Are you Ed Decker?” Sometimes I say “Yes” in spite of the possibility that the asker will stab me in the face for writing an unflattering missive about his sister’s vagina. Other times, I deny my identity—not necessarily because I fear the wrath of Sir Sister-Vagina-Avenger, but because there is a likelihood—especially if it’s a drunken bar encounter—that I will be subjected to an hour-long reprobation of my writing skills, and/or an impassioned sermon about all the things that are wrong with my political opinions, and/or a screed about why I should stop bashing religion, all of which will be followed by a request that I write about his “totally awesome band,” The Attention Whores. So, um, yeah, CityBeat, thanks for that.

• No More Fly on the Walling: One of my favorite life-moments is the rare occasion when I stumble upon somebody who is in the process of reading my column. I love that! The last time it happened was in a Mexican-food joint. A couple in their early 60s were sitting at a neighboring table, reading it together. They were taking turns pointing out certain parts and laughing. When finished, I embarked on my usual undercover ego-recon mission: “Pardon the interruption,” I said, “but what are you reading that’s so funny?” (more…)