“They defended [Bill Clinton] for his indiscretions in office but want Anthony Weiner run out of town….”
“What Weiner did was worse than what Larry Craig did. So, why shouldn’t he have to resign as well?”
—Commenter on USAtoday.com
There’s a lot of this going around. A lot of these scandalistas like to compare Congressmember Anthony Weiner’s debacle to other famous political sex scandals, to determine how much he should be despised and what should become of him. Of course, the comparisons are mostly partisan and lack uniformity, which is why I have developed the following formula—so that we can objectively discern whose sex scandals are worse than whose and where Weiner ranks among them.
For the purposes of this formula, each scandal category receives a point value between one and 10. For instance, Standard Adultery—the offense of (yawn) regular old cheating with a consenting adult—is worth one point. Add five points if the spouse is terminally ill. Add five Hypocrisy Points for any Bible-humping, family-values politicians caught fooling around; add another five Hypocrisy Points if a politically active opponent of gay rights is caught consorting with a member of the same sex. Tack on seven Corruption Points for any laws broken in relation to the affair (not counting the crime of adultery because that’s an idiotic law). Add seven points if it’s one of those creepy, non-consensual sexual exposer-type of transgressions (like whipping out your phallus during a private meeting with the president of the local NOW chapter). Make it 10 if he touches or gropes her private parts, un-consentingly.
For siring a love child, the points range from one to 10, depending on how the child was treated by the offender.
No points will be added for lying (everyone lies about sex, so it’s a wash) or if the affair is with a prostitute. Yes, I know, prostitution is illegal, but let’s be honest: Blowing politicians during lunch breaks so they can stay focused on running the country is why prostitutes were invented.
Now, with that formula in mind, let’s analyze some modern-day political sex scandals: (more…)