First, let’s get the disclaimer out of the way. Fred Phelps is, in fact, a toadfucker. Ditto his family, his friends and all the assphibian followers of his Westboro Baptist Church, who deserve to be repeatedly dunked in the deepest, scaldingest lava pit in Hell if Hell actually existed.

You’ve heard of Phelps and his Westboro Baptist Church (WBC), right? This is the organization that despises homosexuality so much that the URL to its website is GodHatesFags.com. They believe The Lord is punishing America because we “enable” homosexual behavior. They’ve made a name for themselves picketing the funerals of people like Coretta Scott King (a revolting effort), Mathew Shepard (sickening), the victims of the Sago mine disaster (sickening and silly), Mr. Rogers (WTF?!), Ronnie James Dio (well, that makes sense) and Marine Lance Cpl. Matthew Snyder—not because he was gay (he wasn’t), but because the WBC believes soldiers, by virtue of their enlistment, further enable America’s enabling of homosexuality, so God smite him.

With picket signs like “U.S. Fag Army” and “Thank God for Dead Soldiers,” WBC has really proven itself to be out of its mother-lovin’ skull! But get this: As gnat-shit crazy as Westboro Baptist Church is, it isn’t one iota more deranged than any other church—certainly not more so than the Roman Catholic Church, nor the United Methodists, the Evangelical Lutherans, the Mormons, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus and the rest. (more…)

At the behest of a friend, I logged on to The Mikey Show website to listen to several of his Friday-morning radio testimonials.

For those who don’t know the back-story, in January, Mikey Esparza, the infamous morning cock-jock, left Rock 105.3 (KIOX), and moved to FM 94/9 (KZBT), where the new Mikey morning show now resides. The Mikey Show is like every other morning monkey-house program, with one exception: Every Friday, at the end of his broadcast, Mikey—former purveyor of filth, smut and depravity; former self-proclaimed shit-talking assdouche—tells his audience the story of how Jesus saved his life. He calls the segment his “testimony,” and it is, judging from the shows I’ve heard, the same thing every week: Mikey cues up the melodramatic music bed—a gloomy, meandering, reverb-drenched guitar track (think Ry Cooder on morphine)—and, in a soft, contemplative voice, tells the story of his sexual molestation as a child and the vortex of depression, self-loathing and addictions that ravaged him until Christ came along. (more…)

Recently, the U.S. Supreme Court agreed to hear a discrimination case brought by The Christian Legal Society (CLS) against University of California’s Hastings College of Law (UC Hastings) because the university denied the Christian group recognition as an official campus organization based on the Christian group’s policy against homosexuality.

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I watched the Pope’s recent appearance at Yankee Stadium with great sadness. The reason for my sadness was because I missed an opportunity to do some good in the world.

See, I had a fantastic plan.

Ever since I learned the Pope was going to hold mass in front of nearly 60,000 Catholics in Yankee Stadium, I had this idea to invent a bomb and drop it on them. Not an exploding-shrapnel-death-and-destruction type of bomb–rather, a bomb that bombs only righteousness and goodness to mankind.

The plan was to make a device that, upon detonation, releases some sort of intelligence gas, then fly it over Yankee stadium and drop it, thereby bringing common sense and rational thought to a stadium-full of Catholics at once.
And I almost succeeded. I actually created a bomb that would release a gas that is concentrated with the molecules of rational thought. The only problem was that the gasses also boiled your bone marrow, so the effin FDA–always the sticklers–didn’t approve it. Thus was my golden opportunity lost.

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“Heath Ledger is in Hell and has
begun serving his eternal sentence.”

That was a quote from the leaders of the Westboro Baptist Church, who, among others, are claiming that God killed Heath Ledger for portraying a homosexual in a big-time Hollywood movie.

While it is true that this particular church is wildly extreme, there have been plenty of other God-worshipper types who have made similarly despicable comments.

Like when local Christian crusader James Hartline said that God started the San Diego County wildfires because he was mad at us for being hospitable to gays. Like when Pat Robertson said Hurricane Katrina was God punishing New Orleans for being gay-friendly. Like when Jerry Falwell–may he Rot In Purgatory (RIP)–said 9/11 happened because America’s got the ACLU, the pro-choicers and, of course, the gays.

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I was reading a survey that was released recently by a polling group called Harris Interactive. The study was about God, or more specifically, how we think of him.
A little more than 2,000 people participated in the online survey in which they were asked such questions as, do they believe God is authoritarian or benevolent? Is he actively involved in the affairs of humans or totally removed? And what does he look like? Does God have a human form?

One of the more surprising finds (for me) is that, “42 percent of U.S. adults say they are not ‘absolutely certain’ there is a God.” I thought that number would be much lower, especially since only about 8 percent of the population defines itself as agnostic.

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The Top Ten To-Do List of the newly appointed Pope Benedict XVI

10) Have driver’s license changed from “Ratzinger” to “Benedict.”

9) New rims for Popemobiles.

Remodel Vatican dungeon. Replace damaged or rusty torture devices.

7) Remove phone taps and other secret listening devices from Ozzy Osbourne’s home [Can't understand what he's saying anyway].

6) Sign up of free email. See if Asskicker_vicar@hotmail.com is still available.
5) Produce a child molestation awareness video to be viewed by all incoming priests. Possible title: Father McDoogan Has Naughty Feelings

4) Apply for Papal discount at Wal-Mart

3) Shackle Cardinal Law to newly painted dungeon wall. Let rats eat his toes.

2) Install phone taps and secret listening devices in Dan Brown’s apartment. Reuse old bugs from Ozzy’s pad.

1) Look into this AIDS thingy everyone keeps talking about. See if leeching doesn’t help.

Ever notice how all these conservative “family” groups are always so outraged about a perceived decline in our country’s values?

They think we’re going to Hell in a Hot Wheels and feel it’s their job
to reverse the trend.

Like when American Family Research Council got all agitated about that sexy Desperate Housewives promo that ABC ran before Monday Night Football, or when the American Family Association and The Howard Center for Family busted their nuts over the whole Janet Jackson Super Bowl debracle, or how a new film about Alfred Kinsey is gathering the ire of Focus on the Family, Defend the Family, Coalition of American Families, FamilyPolicy.net, Family.org,
and holy coyote balls Batman, there sure are a lot of “family” groups out there.

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