BUY MOTOFEN NO PRESCRIPTION, Well, Jay-Z and Beyoncé finally had their baby, which can only mean one thing: Here comes another baby song!

You know what I’m talking about, right. Fast shipping MOTOFEN, One of those intolerable, "Oh-my-precious-little-angel-it’s-a-miracle-that-you-were-born-unto-me" tunes that a songwriter is compelled to write every time he or she pops out another squirmer.

Whether you believe newborn babies are miraculous gifts from God or subterranean alien vampire-rats bent on draining your life force, MOTOFEN class, MOTOFEN pharmacy, can we at least agree that songs about babies tend to suck rusty buckets of contaminated amniotic fluid?

And this new tune by Jay-Z is especially abominable.

“You’re a child of destiny / You’re the child of my destiny / You’re my child with the child from Destiny’s Child / That’s a hell of recipe.”

OK. I want you to pause for a moment and marvel at the pure hideosity of that line: “You’re my child with the child from Destiny’s Child.” I want you to bask in the rays of its badness like a pale-skinned woman on an overpowered tanning bed; absorb the radiation of it on your face and neck—mind not the blisters and the hair loss— for a lyric as bad as this is a thing to behold.

Britney Spears’ “My Baby” is no less irradiated: “With no words at all / So tiny and small / In love I fall / My precious love / Sent from above / My baby boo / God I thank you.”

I want you to imagine that you’re Britney’s baby being spoon-fed in the kitchen, MOTOFEN natural, MOTOFEN over the counter, when suddenly mommy starts singing that song to you. Wouldn’t you eject the strained carrots onto her shirt and blurt, ordering MOTOFEN online, MOTOFEN mg, “Bitch, you better get your ass back in the rehearsal studio!”?

In Brit’s defense, MOTOFEN coupon, Taking MOTOFEN, “My Baby” sounds like a John Prine political ditty compared with Creed’s criminally negligent baby ballad, “With Arms Wide Open.” The worst part about that afterbirth is the video, where to buy MOTOFEN, Order MOTOFEN no prescription, which features singer Scott Stapp posing on a mountain top, his “arms wide open” toward the sky, MOTOFEN price, coupon, MOTOFEN for sale, his long, gorgeous Jesus-locks blowing in the wind and the fetor of a thousand soiled diapers blustering from his howl-hole.

Speaking of mucky diapers, canada, mexico, india, Where can i order MOTOFEN without prescription, Lauryn Hill’s baby song, “To Zion, purchase MOTOFEN for sale, MOTOFEN no rx, ” is a rash on the ass of all that is right and good. Lord knows Hill is full of herself, buy MOTOFEN from canada, MOTOFEN alternatives, but how much of a messiah complex must you have in order to name your kid Zion?

And, look, purchase MOTOFEN online, MOTOFEN treatment, I dig Stevie Wonder as much as the next guy, but “Isn’t She Lovely” isn’t, order MOTOFEN online overnight delivery no prescription. The melody is as mesmeric as a busted mobile, and all Stevie does is sing “Isn’t she lovely, isn’t she wonderful, isn’t she special” over and over again like a drill burrowing into the part of the brain that represses the urge to take sniper shots at random pedestrians.

I will concede that John Lennon’s song for Sean, “Beautiful Boy,” is lovely, BUY MOTOFEN NO PRESCRIPTION. MOTOFEN australia, uk, us, usa, But I often wonder how messed up it must be for Julian whenever he hears his dad gushing on the radio or jukebox, “Beautiful, australia, uk, us, usa, MOTOFEN from canada, beautiful, beautiful… darling, no prescription MOTOFEN online, Online buy MOTOFEN without a prescription, darling, darling Sean”—given that Lennon neglected Julian as a child, MOTOFEN images, MOTOFEN from canadian pharmacy, which makes Lennon something of a parental dickweed, nullifying any fatherhood songs written by him.

The list goes on, buy MOTOFEN no prescription. Buy cheap MOTOFEN no rx, The Dixie Chicks’ baby anthem “Godspeed” is in dire need of a spanking. “Prayer for You” by Usher should have been terminated in the first trimester, MOTOFEN online cod. Buy generic MOTOFEN, “Just the Two of Us” by Will Smith needs a circumcision—at the base. And it’s utterly impossible to keep your formula down should you happen to hear “In my Daughter’s Eyes” by Martina McBride.

BUY MOTOFEN NO PRESCRIPTION, And, yes, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, MOTOFEN dose, MOTOFEN brand name, Oh, Ed, MOTOFEN schedule, Buy MOTOFEN without a prescription, you hate baby songs because you don’t have any children and don’t understand the miracle of new life.


You needn’t be a parent to understand the miracle of new life, MOTOFEN results. MOTOFEN use, Nor do you need to understand the miracle of life to scrutinize a song about the miracle of life, just as I don’t need to live in South Central L.A, MOTOFEN for sale. to know “Straight Outta Compton” is a badass song about living in South Central L.A.

No, these baby songs suck for two simple reasons:

1. Childbirth is such an enormous, sentimental event in most of our lives that our emotions can be easily manipulated, BUY MOTOFEN NO PRESCRIPTION. You could write the lamest piece of cliché-addled garbage and everyone will blubber over it, leaving songwriters no incentive to compose something truly original and profound.

2. Baby songs never tell the whole story about parenting—no tunes about sleepless nights and bedraggled days; no odes about giving up your dreams, your friends, your drugs and your porn collection; no power ballads about how you’ll age an average of five years for every day you cohabitate with a toddler. There are no verses that mention that the only movies you’ll be permitted to watch for the next dozen years will feature talking cartoon animals and worse, a moral to the story, nor are there any refrains about how your sacrifices will go unappreciated—because they think it’s  invisible elves who stock the refrigerator and replace the toilet paper—and the day will come when not only will they not appreciate you; in fact, they will hate you. Sure as the babysitter will raid the liquor cabinet and blow her boyfriend on your couch, your children are going to hate your guts.

This is the thanks you’ll get for giving them life, because they are cold, cruel tyrants, and you are but a peasant who mollycoddles them. Hmm, I like that: “Cold Cruel Tyrant.” Now, see, that’s a baby song that needs to be written!.


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  1. BD says:

    To the one, it’s true that there is, in fatherhood, one of those proverbial moments of context when it sinks in that this … thing … that a mother has given you is … well, it’s alive, and … that’s, like, so beautiful, man, and I can’t believe it and the thing is that one really should keep it to himself.

    Yes, yes, something about mothers goes here, but I’m not a woman, so what do you want me to say?

  2. Peg Pollard says:

    Hee hee hee hee. I thoroughly enjoyed this. I am SO THANKFUL that I do not follow ANY pop culture anymore, hence have not had the misfortune to sit thru ANY of the songs mentioned, other than the one that popped into my head straight away—”Beautiful Boy”. Oh, wait, I do know the Stevie Wonder shitty ditty. And wOW—right ON THE MONEY re: Julian Lennon. The tune is such a dichotomy–it has ALWAYS made me more sullen than uplifted–for the exact reason you stated. I don’t know how anyone who has the slightest Beatle/Lennon knowledge, could think of anything besides Julian’s lifelong slights. (How could this godlike creature BE so COLD HEARTED? Write the damn song for private use, but…don’t DO that to your first born, man!) Even after 5000 listens (I do actually own a copy of that LP, pre-crucifixion)–the aftertaste/(birth) is the same. However, that said, the much more horrifying jayZ lyrics will make me stay AWAY from pop radio for another ten years, at least. Thanks for the warning, Mr. Decker.

  3. Peg Pollard says:

    ahh, and p.s. You certainly do not need to be a parent to deeply comprehend the Julian Lennon debacle mentioned. You only need be a son or daughter, and that we all are…

  4. Jim Babwe says:

    There is at least one acceptable anthem that pays unbridled tribute to father, mother, and child. The ecstatic joy of parenthood has never been clearer than it is within the lyrics of “Debbie Gibson Is Pregnant with My Two-headed Love Child,” by Mojo Nixon.

  5. Karyl Miller says:

    Very funny Edwin and I agree completely. Every writer, indeed everyone in show biz knows you MUST turn your every experience into a money making venture – otherwise why have it? Get paid for your pain and suffering. This is why these songs get written – including Tears In Heaven (which is a pretty song nevertheless).

  6. Colleen says:

    Ed! Why all hateful thoughts?!?! My children were God’s gift to me and they were angels while growing up. As adults they have turned into saints and are perfect in every way.

    I’m sure “The Mother” would agree that her son, who lives so far the way is the saint to whom she birthed.


  7. Peg says:

    Dude! Tears in Heaven—the WORST of the lot—because it IS E.C. He should at least have the sense to feign some class. Although, why start now, eh? The man’s personal life has always been sordid, but him singing a song, live, about his dead toddler son, is too much for me. Just sayin’…

  8. Melanie says:

    Mojo Nixon video:

    It was taped from TV, so in case you can’t tell, Joan Collins performs the wedding ceremony, and Winona Ryder is the bride. There just can’t be anything wrong with a video in which Spuds McKenzie’s brain gets fried.

    Maybe it’s more of a post-conception-celebration song than a post-delivery one. But that could be the point.

  9. As a childless couple (by choice) we were VERY clear that we did NOT want kids for all the stated reasons and for the life of me I can’t figure out why any right thinking person would bring more American consumers into this mess. Love your POV!!!

  10. J-P says:

    Hey Ed, have you copyrighted “Cold, Cruel Tyant”? No, seriously. This is a song that needs to be written.

    Also, I love how anti-baby couple sound just as fanatical as those Christian 18-baby-havin’ freaks when it comes to their lifestyle choices. Just live and let freakin’ live, already.

  11. Joe says:

    I agree that most songs about new babies generally suck. Well Smiths ‘Just the Two of us’ is especially bad.

    However my friend Steve is a new dad to be, and a singer/songwriter around the town where we live. He has written this song – check it out and let me know what you think!

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