Well, 2012 is almost upon us. On Dec. 21 of that year—according to an interpretation of an ancient Maya calendar—the world is supposed to end. To that I respond, “Thank Christ Quetzalcoatl! It’s about frickin time!”
One of my greater pleasures in life is observing the hilarious backpedalings of certain crackpot prophets when the horrifying doomsday scenarios they champion don’t arrive. A recent example is radio minister Harold Camping, whose explanation for his incorrect rapture prediction was to claim that God was still collecting data. Then he predicted a new, modified rapture date, which came and went without so much as a single frog falling from the sky.
This is why I can’t wait for Dec. 22, 2012. Because there will be not one, but thousands of kooky soothsayers who will have to backpedal like hell once Mayageddon is proven to be horse shit. And I know it’s horse shit for three reasons:
The first is because I’m not an idiot. I realize, as a person with a full-functioning brain, that human beings are unable to predict what’s going to happen when they step out the door tomorrow morning, much less what will happen 5,126 years in the future.
The second is because the Mayas made no such prediction. This is a common misconception. There are no ancient hieroglyphs, no tomes, nor scrolls, nor scriptures that say, “Homies-of-the-future, beware! The world ends in 2012. Sucks for you, yo.”
“There are no Maya prophesies that seem to claim the world is going to end,” said Dr. Mark Van Stone, an expert in Maya hieroglyphs and author of Science & Prophecy of the Ancient Maya, in a KPBS interview. Stone said that 2012 is mentioned only once in any known Maya inscription, and all it says about what will happen on that date is that a minor god, named Bolon Yokte, will float down to Earth and “dress up.”
Yup, that’s what they believed. He was going to dress up, probably in some sort of ritualistic beak-and-feather costume, and prance around like a bird in flight.
Bolon Yokte: God of silly costumes
The Mayas never predicted an apocalypse. That was our own idiotic, superstitious interpretation of the fact that a Maya calendar “ends” in 2012. And I put “ends” in quotation marks because it’s not quite the right word. “Reverts” is the better word. There are no endings in the Maya calendar. In fact, the Maya calendar is not a single calendar at all; rather, it’s a series of 17 calendars, all of which have different cycles. For instance, the trecena calendar was on a 13-day cycle, the veintena calendar denoted a 20-day phase, the calendar round (a combination of other calendars) was roughly a 52-year cycle, containing the most common calendar, the tzolkin, which used 260-day intervals.
It’s all quite confusing and I barely scratch the surface of understanding any of it; however, for the purposes of this discussion, all we need to know is that the calendar that “ends” on Dec. 21, 2012 (called the long count calendar), is on a 5,126-year loop, after which a new cycle (or b’ak’tun) begins. So, saying the world will end in 2012 because that’s when the cycle reverts is like saying it will end on Saturday, because that’s the last day of the week.
The third reason I know that Mayageddon will not happen is because the Mayas were morons. Now, before I get a bunch of angry letters from MAAD (Maya Alliance Against Defamation), let me clarify: What I mean is, they were primitives—maybe not when compared with other civilizations of their time, but compared with more modern cultures of, say, the last 1,000 years, the Mayas were dumb as thumbtacks.
Of all the civilizations and religions in history that predicted different doomsday scenarios, we’re supposed to believe it’s these guys who had it right? The same geniuses who believed people are made of corn? The Einsteins who sliced open their penises with stingray spines to facilitate communication with deceased ancestors? The Darwins who drowned pre-pubescent children in order to satisfy a cranky rain god? The rocket scientists who divined the future by talking to birds. We’re talking about the Maya, who hung beads in front of their babies’ faces in order to cross their eyes permanently—these are your go-to guys for credible predictions? I wouldn’t let a Maya pick my next football parlay, let alone when I can safely start maxing out my Visa for an Armageddon credit blowout.
Still not convinced, crackpot prophets? OK, how about a bet? If the Mayapocalypse doesn’t arrive on schedule, you have to dress in a ceremonial beak-and-feather costume and walk around Horton Plaza with a sign that says “Bird brain.” And if the prophecy does come true, I have to give you my spot in the bunker I built when Y2K was upon us. Yeah, I know—silly me. But I was afraid I would get hit by one of those planes that were supposed to drop out of the sky.
Ed Decker
12.12.11
Tags: 2012, apocalypse, armageddon, doomsday, harold camping, maya, maya prophecy, mayan, mayan prophecy 2012, rapture
The following was a letter sent to the editor, followed by my response to him…
I won’t sink to the level of writing a personal attack on Mr. Decker that the previous commentor did. I could have taken his assertions that his comments about Mayans being morons and primitives was somehow a honest although kind-of unthoughtful criticism of hacksters and wackos. But taking his earlier creative quote, ” ‘Homies of the future beware’ “, he simply shows that he is taking the opportunity to show is veiled racism under the guise of un-politically correct humor.
Not all Mayans, Mexicans, Aztecs, Miztecs, or as Mr. Decker would surely say “Wet backs and Gang Bangers” run around saying homey, wearing their pants off their ass, and acting like thugs.
Like alot of angry white men I’m sure Mr. Decker laments the good ol’ days when he could run around saying, N*****, Dyke, Fag, Spic, and Bitch to his hearts content, and not be publicly admonished for it. Here’s to you Mr. Decker for showing the fossil of a by gone era that you truly are.
Anthony Vasquez
MY RESPONSE
Dear Anthony,
“Angry white man”?
That’s a bit of a stretch, Homie.
My assertion that Mayas were morons, which I clearly explained, had nothing to do with ethnicity; rather, it was a factor of their primitiveness, being a culture that existed circa 250 AD.
As I wrote in the following sentence, “And before I get a bunch of angry letters from MLAAD (Maya League Aligned Against Defamation), let me clarify. What I mean is, they were primitives. Maybe not when compared to other civilizations of the time, but compared to more modern cultures, say, of the last 1000 years, the Mayas were dumb as thumbtacks..
This point being, if we put you in a room with an ancient Maya, who do you think would do better on a science exam?
As for the “homie” remark, again, nice try, Homie.
“Homie” is a word that I use as a term of endearment. I routinely call my friends “homie” or “homes” or “Home-slice,” regardless of ethnicity. Yes, I know it is outdated rap lingo, but the era of that lingo—Ice-T, NWA, 3rd Bass, Kid Frost, Geto Boyz, Biz Markie—was my favorite and that language sticks with me to this day.
So, using the word “homie” was not a reflection of my perception of the Mayas, rather, just me being conversational, using language that I use with pals, which I guess makes you right about one thing – that I am a fossil of a by-gone era. But certainly not in the way you mean, that I am this “angry white man” running around uttering bigoted epithets to my “heart’s content.”
Not sure how or why you would make such a fantastic leap about my personality. I abhor racism and bigotry almost as much as I abhor people who wantonly accuse people of racism without a shred of viable evidence.
Thanks for your letter,
Ed
I can attest that Ed calls me Homie all the time; however, now that I think about it, being a shortish Welsh-Italian, I think I figured it out. He was trying to get me to form the Welsh-Italian League Against Defamation (WI-LAD) and in doing so, sneakily made me refer to myself as a “Wee Lad”
YOU CLEVER, SNEAKY, RACIST, HEIGHTIST BASTARD!
You never thought I’d catch on did you!!???!!!
Next Time I see you I’m gonna jump up and bite your ankles off!
DP
HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHahaaaHAAAAAAAAAA! Oh hell, I have to admit, you leftie sharp, skillful & spirited writers are really becoming quite addicting. I mean, with the over-ripe fodder oozing out of every dingy fissure these days…how can a gurl resist? I ask? Holmes? (As in John. I guess that’s “white” slang for homie??)
Ed, you are so damn funny, as usual–but I thought a little too polite and easy on this simpleton, you raghead-loving homo! Okay, maybe the poor thing just got here from some horrid small town in the Midwest where, sure as shitfire, they still DO speak and THINK like modern day apes. He obviously had a hard shard up his ass already, if he missed your not-usually subtle p/cism.
David–THAT is nothing less than pure genius. What were you ON when your brain went THERE–and hurry yup and git me some, too! I am now sitting here picturing the two of you drinking absinthe and shooting this shit back and forth with each other. CRACKING ME UP.
K–last time I did this it cost me a big chunk of my soul–so I best high-tail it on out of here. (hee)
THANK YOU—all three—for the early morning yuks. And PLEASE–keep it coming! I’m starting to get even more worried about the general populace landlocked in this country. WHO the F are these people going to VOTE for? It surely cannot be the brilliant black dude. After all, then he wouldn’t be available to clean Newt’s toilets. aaaaagggggghhhhhaaaaaaaaa
Ed:
I don’t give a monkey’s uncle about your slang usage but your assertion that the Mayan race were “dumb as thumbtacks” is perhaps the most ignorant idea that you expressed in this week’s column. The Mayans understood aspects of the stars and planets and the cyclical nature of the universe long before the Europeans had telescopes to understand what we are still assimilating about the universe. Winter Solstice 2012 is not the end of the world; it is the beginning of a new era. One that COULD be a brighter more beautiful and loving one if we’d get off our modern-day neanderthal butts and stop wasting our breath accusing or defending the right to use words like “homie.” Jeez, no wonder evolution is coming so slow for some of us “monkeys.”
But John, Homie, they were still a primitive culture when compared to, say, ours. Or, really, any culture of the last 1000 years.
It really was just a humorous way to say that of all the groups / civilizations who predicted doomsday, there’s no reason to believe that they were the ones who had it right, even if they had expressed a doomsday date, which they didn’t, nor did they express a “new era” date.
Guaranteed, come December 22, 2012, the world will be the same as it was the day before.
A wise man once said: “Show me the company you keep, and I’ll show you who you are.” Since my orbit crosses Mr. Decker’s once in a while due to some of the company we share, I actually laughed out loud at the angry, homophobic, white guy diatribe. I particularly enjoy insults prefaced with caveats about the low nature of personal attacks, and how one will not be forthcoming. It’s a sure sign insults are coming your way, since the primitive impulse to easily categorize people into tribes apparently still exists.
[...] Ed Decker on the end of the world that isn’t actually going to happen. [...]
Wow, Ed, I’m blown away by the anger that is aimed at you for what you write. As you say, it seems to be largely misunderstanding more than anything else. I think you’re creative and hilarious, even if some of what you write is probably above my political and general knowledge to really understand. I know you’re a good guy, but certainly you know that everyone has their sensitivities. I think that you, like the guys who write South Park, excel at assigning the task to everyone to learn to laugh at themselves rather than only at others! Keep it comin’ — Donna
Wow — I hadn’t read the whole thing — AWESOME WRITING! I think I’m a decent writer, but I could never think up the stuff that you do. Love it! — Donna
Dear Senor Decker and North American Friends,
The overwhelming humility I currently feel in regard to the volume of attention attracted by this calendar thing is rapidly transforming itself into the humiliation of embarrassment. An explanation is certainly in order and I will do my best to clarify as honestly and succinctly as possible.
Rather than provide you and your readers with a chronology of standardized spelling and the powerful impact of moveable type in conjunction with the printing press, I’ll curve to the chase.
This whole calendar business is my fault and mine alone.
After I conquered the challenging physical and spiritual aspects of time and space, I probably should have returned to the 5th century to correct some of the errors I inadvertantly made as I attempted to jot down a few notes for posterity.
I could easily compost some believable excuses, but I’m the kind of guy who likes to get up in the morning and look in the mirror without experiencing the gut wrenching guilt I feel whenever I lie and my pants catch on fire and we have to call the bomberos.
So the truth is this . . . the correct word–the one I should have used–was “collander.”
It’s not the Mayan calendar that ends in 2013 (or whatever you honkies decided). It’s the collander.
The little esposa and I picked up this handy little vegetable steamer at Pared-mart right before our big New Year’s Eve Disembowling Festival on the last day of 498 BCE and when I got home and plugged the damned thing in, it didn’t just trip the circuit breaker, it shorted out the entire strobe light system I’d installed for the kids.
You know how kids are–they wanted a good look at the beating heart of the lucky virgin as she died on the upper steps of those cool pyramids Manny and the Boys built.
I guess I was distracted by all the whining and complaining.
“Daddy, daddy, daddy. Save some of the blood for me. Please, please, please!”
Of course, I gave in. As unsure as I was at the time about the existence of El Rey del Sol, I decided it would be a good idea to at least pretend I was a believer. You can’t be too careful about those kinds of things.
But I digress. It was the end of the collander, not the calendar. Totally my bad. I let it sit around for months and the warranty was about to expire. What was really nice was this. Somehow, I’d lost the receipt. But they exchanged it for a new one anyway. Nice, eh?
It was the end of a collander. Not the calendar.
Entiendes, amigo?
Sorry for any misundertakings I may have caused.
Reflectively,
Fernando Colon (no relation to Chris)
PS: You’re really going to enjoy the 24th century. I don’t want to give it away completely, but you know all those people who are having themselves frozen? That shit works. But there are these really funny side effects. Wait until you see them for yourself. That Disney dude . . . he’s nuts.
Wow, Jim Babwe? Zim’s bro? Well, was it Jim, or was it Fernando Colon who wrote all that? And who the heck is Chris Colon anyhow? See — much of what you write is over my head. But what I DO understand, I love. You have an extremely weird, creative mind that I absolutely love — I gotta wonder where all that stuff comes from! Were you able to write like that before the ’70′s or ’80′s and all that LSD and stuff? Just kidding. Never took LSD in my life, at least not to my knowledge. Seriously — your imagination and creativity are beyond belief, Fernando. So glad to be in the circle of reading your stuff — so different than what I’m used to … Donna
Hmmm — on second thought, you didn’t mean that it was the end of Police Chief Collander did you? Hmmmm … Donna
I second that Donna! I mean–the part about WHO THE HELL is Chris Colon? hahahahhaa
Glad I wasn’t alone. I am sooo not up on pop culture anymore. ??
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cristobal_Colon
LSD? I am not affiliated with the Latter Day Saints. Although, some of my friends think I’m a moron.