bombing_catholics.png NORDIAZEPAM FOR SALE, I watched the Pope's recent appearance at Yankee Stadium with great sadness. The reason for my sadness was because I missed an opportunity to do some good in the world.

See, online buying NORDIAZEPAM, I had a fantastic plan. NORDIAZEPAM online cod, Ever since I learned the Pope was going to hold mass in front of nearly 60,000 Catholics in Yankee Stadium, I had this idea to invent a bomb and drop it on them, NORDIAZEPAM results. Not an exploding-shrapnel-death-and-destruction type of bomb--rather, Comprar en línea NORDIAZEPAM, comprar NORDIAZEPAM baratos, a bomb that bombs only righteousness and goodness to mankind.

The plan was to make a device that, upon detonation, releases some sort of intelligence gas, then fly it over Yankee stadium and drop it, thereby bringing common sense and rational thought to a stadium-full of Catholics at once, NORDIAZEPAM FOR SALE.
And I almost succeeded. I actually created a bomb that would release a gas that is concentrated with the molecules of rational thought, NORDIAZEPAM long term. The only problem was that the gasses also boiled your bone marrow, Online buy NORDIAZEPAM without a prescription, so the effin FDA--always the sticklers--didn't approve it. Thus was my golden opportunity lost. NORDIAZEPAM FOR SALE, But can you imagine if it were successful. Can you imagine if, real brand NORDIAZEPAM online, in an instant, Low dose NORDIAZEPAM, 60,000 Catholics; hundreds of high-level Cardinals, Bishops and Priests; the Pontiff himself; and a couple of dozen Yankee players were stricken with the vapors of rational thought, NORDIAZEPAM mg. Wouldn't it just be awesome to see that happen. NORDIAZEPAM duration, Then the guys who operate the JumboTron -- themselves fumigated by the gasses of rationality -- would start looping quotes from famous free thinkers on the giant screen. So as each person in the stadium feels the effects of the vapors, they simultaneously see the quotes and realize how much sense they make, no prescription NORDIAZEPAM online.

"Where knowledge ends, religion begins," the words on the JumboTron say, NORDIAZEPAM FOR SALE.
Well, Where can i buy cheapest NORDIAZEPAM online, yes, that makes perfect sense to me now, the soon-to-be formerly faithful think.

"Absence of evidence is evidence of absence."

Oh, NORDIAZEPAM wiki, my God, NORDIAZEPAM images, yes!

"God always behaves like the people who created him."

So true, so true--why hadn't I thought of that before?

Then the last quote in the loop appears:

"Religion does three things effectively: divides people, controls people, is NORDIAZEPAM addictive, deludes people."

And all 60, Buy generic NORDIAZEPAM, 000 formerly faithful simultaneously understand their lives to have been a sham, and they begin to murmur, grumble and stomp until the entire stadium rumbles on its foundation, NORDIAZEPAM maximum dosage.

But then, Purchase NORDIAZEPAM for sale, because they have common sense, they realize this is a good thing, that they're unshackled now, where can i cheapest NORDIAZEPAM online, liberated, NORDIAZEPAM cost, free to live their lives as they see fit. So the formerly faithful rejoice, and they sing and dance and start a wave--a wave of rational thought that ripples around the whole stadium, fast shipping NORDIAZEPAM.

Then the crowd becomes quiet. NORDIAZEPAM FOR SALE, And a Deacon -- himself afflicted with the fumes of free thinking -- approaches the microphone. Buying NORDIAZEPAM online over the counter, "May the vapors of rational thought be with you," he sings.

"And also with you, NORDIAZEPAM reviews," the choir responds. Where to buy NORDIAZEPAM, Then the Deacon speaks the new-and-improved Gospel According to John:
"Jesus said to his disciples, 'Where I am going. Do you know the way-ay?' Ah, NORDIAZEPAM price, who am I kidding. How do we know what Jesus said, NORDIAZEPAM FOR SALE. Is NORDIAZEPAM safe, We were not there. For all we know, he said, NORDIAZEPAM canada, mexico, india, 'Where I am going is the Tijuana strip clubs. After NORDIAZEPAM, Take 805 south. That is the way-ay.'"

Then the Pope -- himself tingling with the carbonation of critical thinking -- finally addresses the crowd. NORDIAZEPAM FOR SALE, "My Brothers and seesters," he says with frail German accent. "Vaht a colossal dope I have been, buy NORDIAZEPAM from canada. Vaht was I thinking?. Order NORDIAZEPAM from United States pharmacy, Jesus was mortal, virgins don't get pregnant and Noah could never have fit all those animals on one boat. So screw this noise, what is NORDIAZEPAM, my chil-druhn--let us par-tay!"

And just like on graduation day, Canada, mexico, india, all the high-level clergymen throw their funny hats in the air.

And the P.A, NORDIAZEPAM FOR SALE. cranks Black Sabbath.

And the nuns dry hump each other and gasp, where can i buy NORDIAZEPAM online, "So long, Buy cheap NORDIAZEPAM, it's been so long!"
Then, when "mass" is over, the Pope flies back to the Vatican and uses all the power and treasure of the Catholic Church to continue fighting poverty, order NORDIAZEPAM no prescription, hunger and disease and none of it for converting people into believing in fairy tales. Taking NORDIAZEPAM, And all the New England Catholics return to their lives and begin spreading the highly viral vapors of intelligence to other Catholics, Jews, Muslims and Red Sox fans, discount NORDIAZEPAM.

And they stop teaching their children to believe fairy tales like Creationism, Order NORDIAZEPAM online overnight delivery no prescription, The Garden of Eden and that abstinence is the only reliable birth control. NORDIAZEPAM FOR SALE, And people get off their praying knees and start actually doing shit to improve their lives and their world.

And bookstore owners remove all the Bibles from the religious section and put them where they belong: in the comedy section.

And the formerly faithful Yankees players stop thanking God for their clutch performances and instead give thanks to the real reason for their successes--steroids--and start taking more, NORDIAZEPAM for sale.

And judges remove religious statues and plaques from city property. NORDIAZEPAM pictures, And the words "Under God" are removed from the Pledge of Allegiance and instead used as the title of an upcoming gay-porn movie about Priests boinking altar boys.
And formerly Christian rock bands stop singing about Jesus with their eyes closed and their open hands raised to the heavens and go back to singing about sex and drugs with one foot on the monitor and the microphone stand raised upside down in the air.

And strangers no longer knock on my door when I'm eating, except to say, "You were right, Ed, you were right all along."

Alleluia, alleluia, ah-ah-lay-lu-jah!


Ed Decker



  1. anon says:

    I don’t belong to a religion but I’ve noticed the left likes to focus on Christianity/Catholicism. Your little mention of Jews and Muslims doesn’t cut it. You should take out the same air on them but you don’t have the guts. Criticizing Christianity is safe and politically correct. Hacks get old.
    Rational is also not a strong point of the left. Is it rational to stick a fork and a vacuum cleaner up a womans vagina and then stand between a needle that puts a closure on a murder/rapist? Is it rational to stuff more immigrants into a country so that we can increase gangs, ghettos, crime, terrorism and be underbid on jobs? Is it rational to call yourselves feminists and then support cultures who treat women as 3rd class citizens? Is it rational to believe in a miserable failing ideology known as communisim and then continue to enjoy a capitalist society? How many people did Stalin and Mao kill anyway?
    Why aren’t you guys jumping all over the China/Tibet thing? The Olympics are coming, you can try to compare it to Berlin in “36.” Sweatshops, organ stealing, the whole 9 yards is there you’d better get on it. You don’t have the guts do you?
    Look at what a disgrace your elections are. You can call Republicans greedy and subsitute the elephant for a pig, you can say John McCain has the personality of a tree but in the end they’re smarter and have more class. Billary Clintons a shark with bad teeth. The slimiest ever. B. Hussein Obama is merely Pastor Wright in disguise. I like Pastor Wright much better actually. A better rock star than the black Jimmy Carter. If McCain had been attending the white version of Pastor Wright he would be disowned immediately. Liberals would elect Al Qaeda at this point.
    Christianity has helped more people in the world than liberals. Liberals swear they’re out for justice but they’re just addicted to bitching. Slogans and name-calling is all their sputtering rage can usually muster. Never happy unless they’re stoned or complaining. Forget the Catholics and drop the gas on yourselves along with anti-depressants. The false Utopia of liberals is about as rational as Noah’s Ark.

  2. John says:

    Ed, — You knew you’d get mail on this. It’s a good opportunity to say hello, anyway. Ed, Ed, Ed, — I can tell you weren’t raised Catholic. I was but I don’t do anything I’m supposed to do about it. There are no deacons in the Catholic church for one thing (unless it’s something new) and they don’t teach creationism, certainly it is not Catholic dogma.I suspect you know, really, that Catholics do not tend to be any more irrational (non-rational is really the term) than anybody else.Your readers might tend to believe you that Catholics are dumb. Mostly, they’re not. Too much history involving brilliant minds would argue that.Certainly the Church has its share; you know, republicans and whatnot, but to lump them with Red Sox fans? Repent! — Brizzolara

  3. ed decker says:

    Hey John, thanks for your comment,
    I was most certainly raised Catholic. I was baptized and confirmed. I went to Church on Sundays when I was young, was a member of the CYO, and even took (forced to take) classes that were called religious instruction, which we had to go to on Thursdays after regular school was over, which was pure torture.
    My father was raised protestant and my mother was raised by a strict, old world Italian Catholic matriarch. When my father, whose family was poor, wanted to marry my mother, whose family was rich (they were connected to the mob and ran numbers games in Harlem) my grandmother made my father convert to Catholicism to marry my mother.
    That same grandmother was instrumental in putting pressure on my mother to ensure we grandchildren were getting the proper Church upbringing.
    I’m not saying that makes me an expert on Catholicism. I pretty much rejected it from the start, pretty much hated all that spooky Church hocus-pocus and always questioned the existence of God, so, a Catholic scholar I am not.
    However, I know for a fact they have deacons in the Catholic Church. In fact, the man who read the Gospel According to John – the stanza that I was parodying in the article – was a deacon.
    A quick search on google will show you plenty examples of Catholic deacons but this passage from the Wiki should be enough to convince you:
    “The ministry of the deacon in the Roman Catholic Church is described as one of service in three areas: the Word, the Liturgy and Charity. The deacon’s ministry of the Word includes proclaiming the Gospel at the Eucharist, preaching and teaching. His ministry at the Altar includes various parts of the Mass proper to the deacon, including being the proper minister of the cup. ..”
    As for whether Catholics parents teach their children creationism, it differs from individual to individual. Some Catholics believe in the bible literally, others don’t. Also, remember, the bomb of rational thought eventually spreads to all religious zealots, so, it seems to me to make sense that, among other things, creationist theory would cease to exist should the bomb of rational thought ever be dropped.
    As for Catholics being stupid, I have long had this inner conflict about whether it is inherently a stupid mind that believes in an invisible man in the sky, or if one can be intelligent, and believe such nonsense. I guess it really comes down to your working definition of intelligence. And I really don’t have the answer, suffice to say, it’s just more fun to paint them as stupid and not really get into it beyond that.
    And yes, I got email all right. Mostly from people who want to know what I’m so angry about, what has the Church done to me that causes me to write such vitriol, and my answer is always the same. I’m not angry at all, it’s just too fun to poke fun at people who take themselves too seriously and that they shouldn’t confuse my writing energy with anger.

  4. AP says:

    Loved the column. Great stuff. I like how you stir things up.

  5. Gayle says:

    Wow, Ed. Does “anon” just hang out, Googling phrases, until he finds someone he can harangue?
    I thought you raised a lot of interesting points, in a funny way, too. Of course, I’m not a Catholic, so I’m never sensitive to Catholic jokes. But I am a Christian – I’m just one with a sense of humor about it all. After all, it’s really just a big mystery, no matter what you ‘believe,’ yes?

  6. Joe V says:

    Great column … also raised Catholic here and remember tuning out to the brain-washing in the 2d grade when then nun had us all reciting our answers to religious questions in unison.
    As for proverbs and life lessons, I preferred Aesop’s Fables over the Bible from early on.
    And you’ll be comforted to know that just today a story broke revealing that Einstein, one of our brighter minds in modern history, wrote in a letter that “the Bible is filled with childish, primitive legends,” etc.
    Keep up the world-class, sardonic wit … May our great, undefinable, eternally mysterious creative force bless u …

  7. Julio Gonzalez says:

    I am a Christian that believes that every word in the Bible is the inspired and innerrant word of Yahweh, the creator God of the universe with a capitol G. I am also a major skeptic, just like you. Having said that, I want you to know that I read your postings often and find them hilarious, and often very true! Especially the one about the absurdity of people who are not “think it through-ers” in regards to their belief in some god, or who believe God is a woman. Those people that you wrote about, unfortunately, suffer from the same ignorance that you do, which is the ignoring of something you wrote about in this piece: EVIDENCE. Contrary to popular ignorance, there is no lack of evidence when it comes to the claims of the Bible. There is more than enough of it to make for an honest intellectual investigation.
    What you refer to as the believing in fairy tales is what the Bible refers to as having faith. Unfortunately, both sincere religious people and vehement atheists have ignorantly and incorrectly defined faith for centuries, and it’s time to set the record straight. Faith is NOT a blind belief in something, born out of a desire to construct an alternate reality that suits an individual’s need for comfort or conformity. According to the Bible in Hebrews 11:1, faith is “being sure of what you can not see.” According to this definition, faith is something that every human being exercises. Just “think it through” for a minute. There are innumerable things that you are sure of, despite the fact that you have never seen them. For example, you have never seen Julius Ceasar or Aristotle, but I’ll be willing to bet that you believe that they existed and said the things that they purportedly said. If you didn’t believe that, then any scholar and certainly the vast majority of people with at least a high school education would label you at best ignorant, or at worst, intellectually dishonest. Why? Because there is more than enough EVIDENCE that would lead any reasonable person willing to do an honest, intellectual investigation to conclude beyond a reasonable shadow of a doubt that those individuals did in fact exist, and did in fact say and do the things we have recorded.
    Now here’s what they will never teach you in a public high school or university, although they wouldn’t be able to refute it, either: there is more archaeological and historiographical evidence for the existence of Jesus and the accuracy of the Bible’s accounts than there is for Julius Ceasar or Aristotle and any number of other historical figures combined. I won’t go into the evidence because it would take volumes of books to address it, and the information is easily available to anyone that knows how to use Google or a public library, but I’m certainly willing to answer any questions.
    So while it is true that Catholicism is a twisted mis-representation of the truth, Catholicism does not speak for the God of the Bible, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jehova God speaks for Himself through His message to mankind, found in the Bible, and He’s not afraid of an honest, objective, intellectual investigation into His existence or His claims. The evidence is all around you.

Leave a Reply